It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Randomize
