I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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