I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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