I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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