i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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