I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
