made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
