Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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