I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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