I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
