Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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