I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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