I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Your dad touched me again.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
