i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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