Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I am available for nakedness
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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