my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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