my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
