barbara walters just said penis...
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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