He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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