on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
