What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
