I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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