Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
