Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
accomplished twins. life is a go
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
