I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
