"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
