Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
