life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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