I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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