My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
