do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
