I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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