i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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