There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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