I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
