You were right. It hurts to walk today.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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