We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I need to stop coming to work sober
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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