Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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