you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
