goodnight i made you a song goodbye
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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