My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
