was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
