I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
What a dumb baby whore.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
