If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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