just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
