So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
