Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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