I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
