My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
