I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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