"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
